God, upon being asked about The Big Bang, nonchalantly quips, “Oh, it was nothing!”


I’m really bummed out, being an atheist & nonbeliever in reincarnation or any other afterlife, that I’ll miss out on being able to say “I told you so!”


I’m constantly doing an “Omm” meditation, or something similar. Whenever surprised, disappointed, frustrated, I’m forever muttering, “Ohhhmmmy god . . . .”


How about that—God failing to show up on ARMAGEDDON DAY, December 12, 2012! Then again, if I’d created this mess, I’d be afraid to show my face, too.


St. Peter, while conducting an admission interview at the Pearly Gates, asks the Catholic applicant if he had a happy life.

He assures Peter that, “Yes, I did. I had a very happy life.”

“Then go to Hell,” says Peter, “for to have had a happy life, you would have had to live counter to the Catholic dogma.”


If an afterlife does exist & if it’s as monotonously boring as depicted in the scriptures, it’s understandable why many Christians believe in reincarnation. Heaven presents somewhat of a dilemma—where does one go who dies of boredom while in Heaven?


Archeological evidence has unearthed a startling discovery, which will be truly saddening to the followers of Islam. Not only have recent Islamic suicide terrorists been denied access to heaven because heaven has run out of virgins, but there were NEVER ANY VIRGINS TO BEGIN WITH. Anyone buying into Islam, or any religion, for that matter, is mentally fucked up & has thereby lost her (claim to) virginity.


All right, all right, there are times when I cry out to god—when experiencing excruciating pain or having an orgasm.


The reason most of the world doesn’t hear from The Creator any more is because s/he/it lost her/his/its license to operate after creating the debacle called “humanity.”